


𝒕𝒐 𝒉𝒂𝒗𝒆 𝒍𝒐𝒗𝒆𝒅 (𝒂𝒏𝒅 𝒍𝒐𝒔𝒕)

by spaceodditybarnes



Category: Marvel, Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Angst, Bucky Barnes Angst, F/M, James Barnes - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-01
Updated: 2021-02-01
Packaged: 2021-03-12 18:08:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 785
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29139795
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/spaceodditybarnes/pseuds/spaceodditybarnes
Summary: the one where you make a big decision that hurts both you and buckyorthe one where you put bucky first.
Relationships: Bucky Barnes x Reader, James Buchanan Barnes x Reader
Kudos: 8





	𝒕𝒐 𝒉𝒂𝒗𝒆 𝒍𝒐𝒗𝒆𝒅 (𝒂𝒏𝒅 𝒍𝒐𝒔𝒕)

**Author's Note:**

> this is angsty af with no happy ending. title comes from a famous alfred lord tennyson quote which i think is poignant.

You had been dating James Buchanan Barnes for six years, ten months, twenty-two days, thirteen minutes and 21 seconds. But who was counting?

And in that almost-seven years of relationship, you had got to know him practically inside out. You knew all about his favourite foods, favourite books, favourite movies and favourite hobbies. You also learnt he liked to collect random objects, and that sometimes all he wanted was to punch Sam Wilson and break his nose.

But you also learnt that Bucky would also lay his life on the line for Sam, should the need arise. Not that he’d admit it, of course.

There was, however, nobody that Bucky loved more than he loved you. You were his best friend, partner in crime, soulmate, and his absolute rock. You were there for him when he needed a light to see him through the dark nights; much like how he was there for you when you needed a shoulder to cry on.

Bucky Barnes, without a doubt, was an angel sent straight from the heavens above. He radiated a light brighter than any supernova, and anyone who truly knew the real Bucky would argue he was heaven sent; loaned from the angels above.

It’s why writing a letter, sat at your oak vanity, explaining the decision to leave him was harder than the actual decision itself. You didn’t want to leave him, not really, and had no reason to, but you knew in your heart that it was best.

He was healing, no longer the dark shadow of his past, and you felt like you were only dragging him down. As Bucky had more sunny days, you felt like the happiness of the world was too loud and you felt like you were drowning in the weight of it all.

You didn’t want to drag him down anymore, so with one last glimpse at the Polaroid picture taped to the mirror, and one last kiss to the page, you left the letter on the desk. Your faithful old suitcase was already packed, hidden under the bed. So all you had to do was grab it and run.

You had got twenty-five miles away, and was nestled into a diner booth, before the first text had come through. You knew it was Bucky, knew he would be worried sick, but yet you couldn’t bring yourself to message him back. Knowing any communication between the two of you would completely sever ties in your plans.

You just wish you could stop yourself from picking up the phone the first time he had phoned. “Y/N, where are you? What’s going on?” He couldn’t conceal the worry, and you couldn’t conceal the heartbreak. “Baby, please don’t go.”

A waitress had come up to the booth you had been sat in, offering a pot of coffee and a mug with a chipped handle, and you smiled in appreciation. “I couldn’t do this face to face, Bucky, but I think that it’s time we went our separate ways.”

The silence let you continue, heart cracking as you thought of what to say next. “You have shown me so much love, and support, in the almost seven years of us. And not a day goes by when I don’t think of how much I love you, and want to love you forever. 

But, my dear James, _sometimes love is putting someone else’s needs before yours._ I love you more than you’ll ever truly know, or understand, and I feel like if I stay, I’m only going to drag you down-”

“Baby-” Bucky cut you off, and you could feel your bottom lip quiver as you tried to hold back the tears. 

“You have come so strong in your recovery. I look in your eyes, and I no longer see shadows of hurt, I see rays of golden sun and glimpses of the person I have always believed you were. Being with me is only going to drag you down. You deserve infinite wonderful things, my sweet love. And if we are truly meant for one another, we will find our way back home. I love you, my angel.”

You didn’t let him say goodbye, for you could barely say goodbye yourself. So instead, you switched your phone off and let yourself cry in the empty diner. And when all your tears had dried up, and you had fed and hydrated yourself, you picked yourself up and started down the long winding road again.

Maybe, one day, you would see Bucky Barnes again. But for now, you would hold him in your heart forever.

𝙞𝙩 𝙞𝙨 𝙗𝙚𝙩𝙩𝙚𝙧 𝙩𝙤 𝙝𝙖𝙫𝙚 𝙡𝙤𝙫𝙚𝙙, 𝙖𝙣𝙙 𝙡𝙤𝙨𝙩, 𝙩𝙝𝙖𝙣 𝙩𝙤 𝙝𝙖𝙫𝙚 𝙣𝙚𝙫𝙚𝙧 𝙡𝙤𝙫𝙚𝙙 𝙖𝙩 𝙖𝙡𝙡 - 𝙖𝙡𝙛𝙧𝙚𝙙 𝙡𝙤𝙧𝙙 𝙩𝙚𝙣𝙣𝙮𝙨𝙤𝙣.


End file.
